Search for Inner Self Happiness and Dreams

When I placed this goal on my list.  I have to admit I really didn’t know how to solve it, just that it was important.  How do I find inner happiness and what kind of dreams do I need to strive for?  

Inner Self Happiness, to me, is confidence in themselves to be able to achieve anything.  Furthermore, calmness and peace with the direction of one’s life.  Like I mentioned, I’m at a crossroads.  I’m able to dig my new path and develop it the way I see fit.  I truly believe with God’s help that as long as I put my trust in him and I put the work in I will be able achieve anything.  I know there will be tests and complications along the way.  I can’t let my trust and hard work die.  I have to fight harder and express my will to move forward.  

Dreams.  The sad thing is when I was a drunk I didn’t really have dreams.  I didn’t have the self confidence that I could achieve anything.  I was hoping to get lucky.  I was a hard worker with no direction or plan in mind.  Picture a rodent running aimlessly on a wheel as fast as he can.  That’s what I feel I was.  A hard worker that didn’t really get anywhere.  What do I want to change?  Well, I find my work doesn’t feel like work.  It’s my livelihood, it’s my key to unlocking what I want.  I have started to remember how much I enjoyed traveling when I grew up.  I want to take a trip to Europe next year.  I want to explore my areas of interests like history and cultural aspects of society.  As for other dreams, I’m planning on getting more involved with the homeless and helping them get on their feet.  You might say, why is this a dream?  Because in the past, I was so selfish I didn’t have the time.  Because when I do true unselfish acts it makes me happier and I learn so much about myself.  Because I believe helping someone who doesn’t have a home achieve there dreams now that is truly exceptional.  That is the life I want.  An exceptional, beautiful life that I can be happy to say I live.

I’ll end by saying of course I have other dreams of substance.  But, right now I’m taking it slow.  I’m focused on these two for the next 12 months.  I look forward to report back on my challenges and achievements in these areas.

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Forgiveness 

Forgiveness is one of the hardest acts of love.  To start the process, I need to start with acceptance.  I need to accept the things I cannot change.  I need the courage to change the things I can.  Love has many layers to it and can be made more complicated if you are unable to accept and forgive.  I need to let go and accept.  I believe my higher power will guide me through my life and has a plan for me.  I’m not there yet, but I do see where the tunnel is and that makes me happy.  It’s better then be hopeless…

Self Analyzing 

Today was a bad day.  Nothing seemed to go right.  Now reflecting on why and what I could’ve done differently makes me think about my Part in it.

I come to the conclusion I was weak today.  I showed my fear of change and didn’t communicate well to help my day.  My attitude was not positive today.  Bottom line, I didn’t trust my higher power to handle my affairs today.  I wasn’t following my plan.

I’m encouraged that I’m taking this step to analyze my day and what I could do to better it.  In the past, I would have gotten a 6er and drowned my pain in that.  I’m learning to self analyze.  I’m going to take this as a win and use this to be stronger in the future.  I will be better the next time.  I look forward to this next challenge and feel confident I will be up to the task.  

Hard Times

This post is not related directly to any of my goals.  It’s just been a struggle today to stay true to my plan.  My motivation to achieve success is at an all time low for this past 90 days.  These are the days I believe that can make or break overall success for someone and their goals.  I find it to help to write down my thoughts and fears.  This way, I can put them aside and concentrate on what I need to accomplish.

As I continue writing this, I can actually feel the release of my fears and struggles.  What if I break down and have a drink one day?  What if I start to fail in my business?  Have I maxed out on my potential or do I have more in me?  My answer to these is, I won’t fail!!  I’m pushing through and know I’ll feel the effects of it down the road.  

So if you are having a tough day, remember concentrate on getting the most out of that day.  That day, is the most important day to drive through.

Balance of Health

Like I mentioned in my first post, I’ve recently started getting healthy.  What I have found is balance not only in my life but balance in what I do to be healthy is most important.  Here is what I’ve been doing to get healthy.

  1. Lifting weights 3x a week
  2. Doing elliptical 3x a week
  3. Running 4x a week
  4. I’ve been counting my calories as well and found that around 2,000 calories for my activity allows me not to be hungry and loose weight 

Now, with all my workouts I switch up my speeds and weight to continue making it interesting and fun.  

My results so far following this plan has given me more energy, I’m happier, I feel better and I don’t fit in pretty much all my clothes now.  

When I started this almost 90 days ago I weighed 220.  I now weigh 188.  To me, it’s not really even about the weight.  It’s how I look.  I’ve almost lost my belly completely and see the signs of my six pack coming through.  

What I didn’t realize is my confidence as a person and in what I wear has changed dramatically.  I now believe I deserve respect and believe that I’m Someone who deserves to be happy and will stop at nothing to continue my journey.

It’s amazing how you can start one task/goal and it can lead to helping you with other areas of your life.  I now understand all these areas I’m progressing on go together hand and hand.  

Recovery

Recovery, what does that really to me.  I don’t have less of an urge to drink.  I still pass certain things on the road that give me the desire to drink.  

So, recovery means, to me, power, focus and desire to want a better life.  Knowing the effects of alcohol will lead to being a shell of yourself and never living up to your full potential.  

I want to make a better life for myself and my family.  I want nothing more to see their smiling faces as I reach my next goal for my family.  I want to be “present” with them when I’m home so I don’t miss the special moments of our lives together.  

To recap, recovery is the desire and will to be the best you can be every day all day.  Now, for various reasons you might not be that you all the time, but you have the ability unlike before when you were drunk.

I’m determined to have a great life and I know I can deliver every last dream my family might have.  

Love

Understanding the true meaning of love can be very difficult.  Being an alcoholic I believe I never stopped to truly appreciate what love I had in my life.  It’s important to not dwell on your mistakes in the past.  But, learn from them and ensure your actions will be different in the future.  

Back to what I believe love is now being a more sound of mind person, I believe it’s putting someone in front all other things in your life.  Making them believe they are the person you see when you look st them.  Giving them the support and help even when your feelings might be hurt.  Trusting that they love you back and letting them explore areas of their life that you might not fully agree with.

Love is hard work.  It’s constantly changing everyday on what the right answer is on how to show your true love for someone.  

I’ll end this by saying I’m not an expert at love but I’m embracing the challenge of learning how to show my love to my loved ones better.  Because at the end of the day, all that matters is the happiness of the ones you love.