I use to look at gratitude a lot different before I came to AA. I’ve always been grateful for my family friends wife daughter the usual. But, never showed it. I didn’t show them how much I care. I didn’t take the time to make them feel the love and happiness they give me. Two examples, one involving my ex-wife and one my daughter.
With my ex-wife I just sent her a message saying I’m truly grateful for her and raising our daughter together. I meant it. I really did. I didn’t do it anymore then just to let her know that’s all and it felt good.
My daughter. I was exhausted today I started work at 5 today and it was non stop all day. But, when I picked her up. I stayed in the moment. Of course we had to play a game where a bear was chasing us. Of course that involved me fitting in small tunnels at the playground that I was really having a hard time doing because I’m sore from working out. But, it was all worth it. There is nothing I want more then to be in pain doing that with her.
I’d say I’m beginning to truly understand this program. Never will fully understand but I will always progress and learn more as I go.
It’s bittersweet to say we have our agreement in place for our divorce. It’s crazy after 9 years of marriage is this 5 page document is the end. Our dealings and outline to have a co-parent relationship in one document.
I read a recent email from her that summed up why we are not together really well. We had happy times. Fun trips and-of course our most prized possession Skyla. She makes it all beyond worth it all. All the pain, all the tears and all the frustration.
This email gives me hope. It helps me rationalize this whole divorce. It gives me comfort that we are both going to be happy. That we both are destined to find our true selves.
I plan to follow the document of course, but this email will always be in my heart. This email will be my safety blanket to remember the past and succeed in the future.
So recently I changed up my workout routine. I’m starting to believe it’s important to change it up every 4-6 months. I believe this to be true for a couple reasons. One, your body gets use to a certain type of workout including resistance therefore, the progress you are trying to make starts to decrease. Second, mentally it’s important to stay excited and determined to accomplish your goals. The change up allows you to focus on the next set of goals. So, I changed it up in May so that means between September and November I need to find another workout routine to do. Right now I’m concentrating on building muscle. I’m excited to see where I can take my body physically and believe I have found my next breakthrough to stay healthy throughout my life.
So I wrote yesterday about humility. I talked about being humble and continuing to progress. I think it’s important to say, when you are humble good things happen through God. God has a plan for us all. It’s never what you think it is or want it to be. The more you stay on the path he has chose for you little rewards will come to remind you that you are on the right path. I had one reward this morning through work. I can’t tell you how great it feels. My main goal no matter what now is to follow Gods plan. Yes, it’s important to do the work and to have your own plan in life, but without following Gods plan none of it will lead you to the ultimate happiness you are seeking.
This week is the week of humility in all aspects of my life. Come to think of it, kinda needed it. I was on cloud nine when it came to work, my sobriety, my relationships and my workouts. I was flying high. I could do no wrong. I found out quickly I was doing certain things wrong. I wasn’t fully following my plan for AA. Work, I wasn’t putting my all into all aspects of my job. My workouts this week have been hard and made me realize I’m not close to where I want to be. This is why having humility is important. You can’t be satisfied. Striving to improve will keep progress going. I’m looking forward to looking at this week in a month or so as an inflection point. An inflection point where I increased my results to a higher level in all aspects of my life. I now know what I need to do now I’m gonna go out and do it.
I find myself thinking a lot about life and where I am and where I want to be. I can’t help but think about how different it was 6 months ago. The strange thing is I’m happy now. I’m more confident now. I’m more optimistic about the future. But, I still hold the past which so much value and importance. Do I remember what it was like? Do I think about it because I want it back? Do I think in the future a new life can be created with my wife after time has past? Has my ship sailed on that being an option and I need to take this out of my mind? I’m truly happy that she has created her new future. I wish her nothing but the best. Maybe that’s where I should leave it? Maybe I just need to leave it there and take expectations out of it. I’ll just continue on my path and if it crosses hers in the future then great but if it doesn’t then I’m wish her path leads to the happiness she wants and needs.
So I’m gonna talk about my day with my daughter. It was perfect day. It had instances for lessons and a lot of time for fun. Now, when I picked her up from the bus today our day did not start off so smoothly. She wouldn’t listen, she was fighting me on anything I said. In the past, this would have ruined the rest of our time. I would’ve never regrouped or taken a different approach to get her listening.
Today was different. I’ve been looking forward to seeing her all day and taking her to the petting zoo and chuckie cheese. So, I took a step back, thought about it some. Maybe I was coming on too strong or strict? Maybe I wasn’t showing my love so she was turned off? Maybe how tired I was shining through. I took a breath, focused on these areas changed my attitude and over the next hour, surprise new kid!!! She started listening enjoying spending time Me. We went to the zoo. We went to chuckie cheese and had a blast.
So the lesson, stay in the moment. Don’t let 15-30 minutes ruin your day. You have all the control in how you act. I’m very aware of this when I’m with my daughter especially since her mom and I are getting divorced. I want to enjoy our time. I want to be a positive influence in her life. I want her to look up to me. Now, don’t get me wrong I’m not all play. Yes, there is a time to discipline and parent. But, it’s all how you say it or convey it. I find the more positive and firm I am the more she listens. I think the proudest change I’ve made in my life is staying in the moment… especially during time with my daughter. She means everything to me. I’m so excited to watch the wonderful person she will become. I’m blessed to have that.