As I look through the pictures of everyone having fun with their families during the holiday weekend, I’m mostly happy. I, too got to spend quality time with my family and daughter. To be honest, it was the perfect weekend. I can’t remember being that happy in a long time. It was everything I wanted. But, of course, there is still something missing in my heart. My soon to be ex wife was not there.
The other part missing is the anticipation of knowing I won’t be with them on July 4th for the first time in 11 years. It’s weird, that is what I’ve done for so long. I can’t remember a time before that. I hope they have the best time and my ex wife enjoys our daughter as much as I did the past couple days. She deserves that happiness I felt too. As I see photos of her the past couple days the anger of the past is drifting away but being filled with complete sadness. I’m fending off regret of all that I’ve done to bring us here because I know that’s not a healthy place for me to be. It is what it is. At this point, I’m focused on true happiness for myself, my daughter and my ex wife. That’s all that matters. If all these boxes are checked then maybe I’m seeing the light at the end of the tunnel that is forming.
I guess I needed to write down what I’m feeling today as I’m overfilled with emotion right now and don’t want it to be confused. I want to start to organize these feelings so to be understand them. I’m looking to stay humble and grateful for all that I have. I’m truly grateful and lucky to have had the past two days. The next two will keep me humble of what I need to do to stay sober and create my life of happiness. Happy 4th of July to everyone and remember life is precious, wasting it angry is just that. I’m gonna do my best to take it all in.
I’m just over 7 months sober at this point and been separated 7 months as well. A lot has happened in that timeframe. So, thinking about what I want to accomplish in the next 3-6 months I feel can help my mind in the right place.
- Stay sober the rest of my life
- Continue my lifting program. I would like to loose another 5 pounds of fat and gain another 15 in muscle.
- Have the divorce proceedings over with.
- Continue to develop client relationships and set myself up for a successful career in 2018 and beyond.
- Develop a true friendship with my ex-wife so we can set a great example for our daughter.
- Continue to build a higher relationship with God and trust in his plan.
So I’ve been trying to get out of this funk all day. I got to spend the day with my daughter which is great of course. But, all day, something was missing. It’s my first Father’s Day without my ex wife with us. It’s hard to not notice and realize that this is my new norm. It also was hard no one said happy Father’s Day to me outside of just a small group like 4 people. Not one of her family, not one of my friends or her friends.
I’ve been pretty happy lately overall and working to keep not too high not too low. But, days like today are there to humble me to remind me much work is left to be done to heal and move forward. Without the work, these days will stay the same. With out the work, I’ll never progress instead I’ll regress. It’s fine I know it will be. I’m content with being sad. I’m learning to handle the sadness and enjoy the moments with my daughter. One day, I look forward to my daughter seeing in my actions how to handle hard situations and truly be a good adult. I will be there someday until then I’m sad.
I haven’t shared much about my fitness lately. Well, I think it’s going great. I’ve changed my goals from losing weight to gaining muscle. What are my goals? Where did I start? Where am I?
My goals are to gain 15-20 pounds of muscle from where I was of 175 and I’ll probably loose fat along the way so I’m gonna just have to go by the eye test more then anything.
I started at 175 with little to low amounts of muscle. I was lean. I looked at a photo of myself 2 months ago about when I started to lift hard. I can’t even tell you how much different I look. My shoulders and pretty much everywhere else is starting to show definition finally.
Now I share this not to boast actually to say it’s like sobriety, it’s like inner peace, it’s like spirituality and anything else you can think of that I consider a major change. It takes time. It really does. You have to stay focused and motivated to do the best each day. Trust me before you know it there will be a change
It’s amazing how every aspect of my goals this week have been strained. My sobriety, my faith in God, my fitness goals, my career, my relationships with loved ones, and most of all my inner peace. All because when a couple challenging events happened I went back to my old shortcomings to solve my problems. I was full of self pity, controlling, and being selfish. What do I take from this that’s positive? A couple things,
- Awareness of I have more work to do on my self.
- A game plan to be armed to solve these issues in the future
- The game plan is to write down my gratitude list. Everything I’m grateful for. Plus, truly give it to God. Have him deal with it while I go out and help others.
- Progress because it would’ve taken me longer to realize or not at all when I was drinking
- That I’m still sober and I just celebrated my 6 month anniversary of being sober
- I have family and friends that truly love me for me. I don’t know if I could say that 6 months ago.
I’ve got work to do but I am armed and motivated as ever to push forward. I’m going to make a great life for myself and my loved ones on the other side. I don’t know what the future holds but I’m truly excited to see what is in store for me. It’s not all gonna be what I want but it will all serve a purpose to help me reach my ultimate goals.
It’s fitting that a couple days before my 6 months sober anniversary I was given a big test in my life. I had that day we all have where one big thing stabs us like a dagger right through the heart while you continuously get picked at by sharp objects by other annoying events all day. It can drive you crazy if you don’t let the first thing go. Understand what happened was not your action. All you can do is control how you handle it. If you are successful those other smaller cuts don’t bother you that much. How did I do? I failed. My day was ruined and got worse by the minute. I went back to my old self pity and poor me world that I’m so good at. One day, I’ll succeed these tests and be able to make the right choices during these days. I’m learning more everyday and I will continue to progress as a man.
Thank God tomorrow’s a new day. I will start anew and will be ready to tackle my next challenge.
I am thankful for the little things today. I’m truly able to say I’m blessed to have the life and loved ones I have in it. Of course, my life is not perfect I’m getting a divorce, financially going through a rough time, and I live with my parents at age 35. Through all this, I’m choosing to be happy with what I have. What do I have to be grateful for? One, although we are getting a divorce we truly care enough about each other to be able to sit down for a nice dinner tonight. It was a great dinner talking about our daughter and our own lives. Catching up on things to ensure we are communicating on what’s best for our daughter. Not many divorced couples can and will do that. Two, my parents have given me unwavering support through my difficult time. Three, I was able to lay with my daughter and watch her go to sleep tonight. She makes all my problems go away. My love for her is a bond that I can’t put into words. She doesn’t know this but I think I’ve learned more about life then I’ve taught her. She continues to show me what’s important and possible.