Happy Fathers Day To… Me

So I’ve been trying to get out of this funk all day.  I got to spend the day with my daughter which is great of course.  But, all day, something was missing.  It’s my first Father’s Day without my ex wife with us.  It’s hard to not notice and realize that this is my new norm.  It also was hard no one said happy Father’s Day to me outside of just a small group like 4 people.  Not one of her family, not one of my friends or her friends.

I’ve been pretty happy lately overall and working to keep not too high not too low.  But, days like today are there to humble me to remind me much work is left to be done to heal and move forward.  Without the work, these days will stay the same.  With out the work, I’ll never progress instead I’ll regress.  It’s fine I know it will be.  I’m content with being sad.  I’m learning to handle the sadness and enjoy the moments with my daughter.  One day, I look forward to my daughter seeing in my actions how to handle hard situations and truly be a good adult.  I will be there someday until then I’m sad.  

Emotional Day

Today has been a hard day.  My divorce is about 30 days away and it looks like I’ll be celebrating our 9 year wedding anniversary in a court room.  Not to mention, my dream home,  the place that to me was exactly I wanted to raise our family in has been sold.  It’s such a tough pill to sollow.  I guess it’s for the best.  Maybe one day I’ll be able to look back and be happy about all the good times we had.  Right now, this all happening at the same time is really taking me to an all time low.  That’s even taking in consideration all that this process has brought me in the past 6 months.  I think about all that I tried to get her back and how I failed every time along the way.  I guess I can say I gave it my best.  I gave all that I had in it to try and save it.  Maybe God wants me to figure this out on my own.  Maybe I was meant to have this happen so I could help others and show them there is light at the end of the tunnel.  Until then, I’ll keep taking each day one day at a time and practicing all that I have learned in the past 6 months as I know I will need it more then ever in the next 30 days.

Progress in working out

I haven’t shared much about my fitness lately.  Well, I think it’s going great.  I’ve changed my goals from losing weight to gaining muscle.  What are my goals?  Where did I start?  Where am I?

My goals are to gain 15-20 pounds of muscle from where I was of 175 and I’ll probably loose fat along the way so I’m gonna just have to go by the eye test more then anything.  

I started at 175 with little to low amounts of muscle.  I was lean.  I looked at a photo of myself 2 months ago about when I started to lift hard.  I can’t even tell you how much different I look.  My shoulders and pretty much everywhere else is starting to show definition finally.  

Now I share this not to boast actually to say it’s like sobriety, it’s like inner peace, it’s like spirituality and anything else you can think of that I consider a major change.  It takes time.  It really does.  You have to stay focused and motivated to do the best each day.  Trust me before you know it there will be a change 

Meaning of Love

I wrote about love at the beginning of my journey.  I reread it today.  I agree with a lot of it.  I stated putting them above yourself and things like that.  But as my growth as a person and my situation continues to change my understanding changes too.  Now, I don’t have it all figured out by all means just think I had a incomplete list before and wanted to update it.  

Love to me is trusting them whole heartedly.  Not trying to control them.  Allowing them to live their life no matter if it benefits you or not.  Trying to offer help and support all while not thinking if they will love you back.  Love is unconditional in a sense.  There are no limits or only if statements in love.  

Now the main part I want to expand on is I don’t believe your love for another is true unless you have reached true inner self peace.  Now I say this, and I can say I have not reached this place.  I still have lots of what ifs and regrets built up.  So it’s not that I can’t love another I just don’t believe it can be pure or unconditional till I reach my goals.  I’m working hard at it and feel everyday is better.  At the end of the day, it’s been a difficult 6 months.  I don’t think if you told me all that I’ve been through that I would be standing or truly looking forward to the future.  But, I am.  I want to better myself.  I want to find my inner peace and continue to progress my spirituality.  One day, I will look back and I’m looking forward to being proud of how I’ve handled it.  I’m going to get through this.  

Life

It’s amazing how every aspect of my goals this week have been strained.  My sobriety, my faith in God, my fitness goals, my career, my relationships with loved ones, and most of all my inner peace.  All because when a couple challenging events happened I went back to my old shortcomings to solve my problems.  I was full of self pity, controlling, and being selfish.  What do I take from this that’s positive?  A couple things,

  • Awareness of I have more work to do on my self.
  • A game plan to be armed to solve these issues in the future
  • The game plan is to write down my gratitude list.  Everything I’m grateful for.  Plus, truly give it to God.  Have him deal with it while I go out and help others.  
  • Progress because it would’ve taken me longer to realize or not at all when I was drinking
  • That I’m still sober and I just celebrated my 6 month anniversary of being sober
  • I have family and friends that truly love me for me.  I don’t know if I could say that 6 months ago.  

I’ve got work to do but I am armed and motivated as ever to push forward.  I’m going to make a great life for myself and my loved ones on the other side.  I don’t know what the future holds but I’m truly excited to see what is in store for me.  It’s not all gonna be what I want but it will all serve a purpose to help me reach my ultimate goals.  

    Bad Day

    It’s fitting that a couple days before my 6 months sober anniversary I was given a big test in my life.  I had that day we all have where one big thing stabs us like a dagger right through the heart while you continuously get picked at by sharp objects by other annoying events all day.  It can drive you crazy if you don’t let the first thing go.  Understand what happened was not your action.  All you can do is control how you handle it.  If you are successful those other smaller cuts don’t bother you that much.  How did I do?  I failed.  My day was ruined and got worse by the minute.  I went back to my old self pity and poor me world that I’m so good at.  One day, I’ll succeed these tests and be able to make the right choices during these days.  I’m learning more everyday and I will continue to progress as a man.  

    Thank God tomorrow’s a new day.  I will start anew and will be ready to tackle my next challenge.  

    Little things

    I am thankful for the little things today.  I’m truly able to say I’m blessed to have the life and loved ones I have in it.  Of course, my life is not perfect I’m getting a divorce, financially going through a rough time, and I live with my parents at age 35.  Through all this, I’m choosing to be happy with what I have.  What do I have to be grateful for?  One, although we are getting a divorce we truly care enough about each other to be able to sit down for a nice dinner tonight.  It was a great dinner talking about our daughter and our own lives.  Catching up on things to ensure we are communicating on what’s best for our daughter.  Not many divorced couples can and will do that.  Two, my parents have given me unwavering support through my difficult time.  Three, I was able to lay with my daughter and watch her go to sleep tonight.  She makes all my problems go away.  My love for her is a bond that I can’t put into words.  She doesn’t know this but I think I’ve learned more about life then I’ve taught her.  She continues to show me what’s important and possible.