As I look through the pictures of everyone having fun with their families during the holiday weekend, I’m mostly happy. I, too got to spend quality time with my family and daughter. To be honest, it was the perfect weekend. I can’t remember being that happy in a long time. It was everything I wanted. But, of course, there is still something missing in my heart. My soon to be ex wife was not there.
The other part missing is the anticipation of knowing I won’t be with them on July 4th for the first time in 11 years. It’s weird, that is what I’ve done for so long. I can’t remember a time before that. I hope they have the best time and my ex wife enjoys our daughter as much as I did the past couple days. She deserves that happiness I felt too. As I see photos of her the past couple days the anger of the past is drifting away but being filled with complete sadness. I’m fending off regret of all that I’ve done to bring us here because I know that’s not a healthy place for me to be. It is what it is. At this point, I’m focused on true happiness for myself, my daughter and my ex wife. That’s all that matters. If all these boxes are checked then maybe I’m seeing the light at the end of the tunnel that is forming.
I guess I needed to write down what I’m feeling today as I’m overfilled with emotion right now and don’t want it to be confused. I want to start to organize these feelings so to be understand them. I’m looking to stay humble and grateful for all that I have. I’m truly grateful and lucky to have had the past two days. The next two will keep me humble of what I need to do to stay sober and create my life of happiness. Happy 4th of July to everyone and remember life is precious, wasting it angry is just that. I’m gonna do my best to take it all in.