As much as I write on here, I don’t think I’ve really admitted all the guilt and regret I have. There is nothing I wouldn’t do to get my wife back. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t get sad about all that I put her through. I just can’t believe it’s over. It’s truly over. She has made the decision to move on. She wants to find her happiness. I don’t blaime her. The changes I made were too little too late. I just can’t accept it. Ive always believed that you can change/fix anything. I think this is the exception to the rule. I don’t know if there is really I could’ve done other then not caused all the pain I did before our separation.
The crazy thing is I want her to be happy and know it’s not me. But when it comes to really seeing it in my mind I get sick to my stomach. I just want to give her a huge hug and tell her everything is going to be great. That she is going to have everything she wants and more. But, I don’t know that. It’s also out of my control. It’s not my business anymore and I think this process of grieving this breakup must be how people feel when they lose a loved one. I usually try end my posts on a positive note, but I don’t have it for this post. Maybe that’s the point? Maybe it’s not suppose to be ok right now because I’m truly dealing with my sadness head on instead of masking it like I did in the past. Maybe this is progress? I just didn’t know that this is normal. All I do know is, I will never love someone like I loved her. She was truly one of a kind that I lost based on my actions. It will take time but maybe I can look back at the good times and smile.