I hate that I never learned to deal with pain or adversity sober. My answer growing up was to drink more. I am now facing the hardest most emotionally defeating espisode in my life. It is sad. It is heart breaking. It is uncontrollable emotions at times. I need to recognize these situations and face them in a different light. I do believe and understand that this time will pass. The sad part is I don’t want it too. Because if it does then the most important person in my life will no longer be gone. It’s like I’m trying to control a situation by losing my emotions. I want to hold on to the pain so I don’t lose. It’s crazy I know.
So, what do I do? Like I had when I got sober, I have two choices again. So far, I’ve been going down the wrong path. I need to take a step back and refocus myself. The hardest part is the best thing that ever happened to me is not the biggest part of my life anymore. It’s heart shattering. But, if I want a chance to keep a true lifelong friendship then I need to accept it. I need to accept that I’m what she seeks. She is seeking something more in her life. I’m a better person when I have her in my life.
I’m planning on focusing on what I do have. I have a loving lifelong friend that will be with me through thick and thin. I have an amazing micracle that was given to me by her. I’ve been blessed with loving family and friends. As hard as this is all, I am going to do my best to focus on the positives. Even as I write this, I’m having a hard time believing it but I’m going to take small steps to progress forward. I will be happy someday I just am in the process of rebuilding my foundation.