So… today is supposed to be a day of remembering and providing to my wife of 9 years. It's supposed to be when we go to Bonefish Grill for a drink and a great dinner. This is the past. I've dreaded this day for over a month. But, I went to an excellent AA meeting last night where we talked about being open minded to what God has in store for you. Is it possible this is the path God had for the both of us?
I don't think it's crazy to look at what has happened because of us separating. The facts are I'm in better physical shape, sober, greater spiritual relationship with God, career is taking off, and learning more about myself everyday. I'm making plans for the future for me. I'm truly happy with my relationships with God, family, daughter and even my ex wife.
I think about where my wife is now from what I see on the outside. More confident a person, healthier, handles some medical issues on her own, going back to school, more independent, and overall seems happy. She seems more at peace with her decisions and what she has in store for the future.
Based on these facts, I think I have no choice but to be happy. We are two great people that have found their was an expiration date on the thought of us. We now flourish out of it as two separate people. This will allow us to be the positive influence in our daughters lives. This will make us happy for years to come with our own inner self. I think we held each other back. Or another way to say it, we were each other's crutch. Too afraid to release from it as the unknown is scary.
But, looking at the early results, we have both choose the right path and will continue to stay humble and focused on the day to day that has led us here.
One of my goals has been spiritual progress. To be honest, it has been put on the back burner recently. I won’t make excuses because I know I could’ve worked it out where it would have been a priority. Between this, and being stuck on step 10 in AA for a while makes me think. Why? Why haven’t I progressed as much in these two areas as I have in almost every category that I strive to be better? Am I scared? What am I afraid of? Is it as simple as it being difficult to take on all the different goals I have set forth? Or is that taking the easy way out?
What I know, is for all these goals I’m working to be successful then this has to be #1. I think I lost sight of that. I know I believe in God. I want to have a deep connection with him as I have felt various times throughout the past months. Without God and AA I would probably be dead. It’s really true. The path I was headed. The mindset I had when I was gonna buy my last 12er of beer before I said no was descructive and up to no good. I know it to be true. It scares me to think of the place I was only 7 months ago. I only cared about myself.
I’m writing this today in hope if someone feels they are good on their own to deal with addiction they are wrong. We all need our support for whatever it is. God, sponsor, or your peer group. Remember this and live it before it’s too late. Thankfully it’s not too late for me. I reminded myself tonight with prayer and reading. I have and I am where I am today because of my trust in God. I owe it to my fellow AA members to be there for them as they have been for me.
I’m done analyzing the past two weeks. No hard feelings just motivation to change the future and steer back on the right track.
I titled this one goals and reflections because I plan touching on where I am with my goals and just overall reflections of what I’m thinking.
First goals, I’m on par with my fitness goals and believe I’m really starting to see some progress with my lifting. I’m getting stronger each week and determined to work hard for the body I want. My spiritual health is not progressing as I would like. I haven’t been going to church as much as I was in the past. But, I still talk to God each and every day. My goals of staying sober are on track and believe I will continue to be successful. I’ve increased my sleep from an average of 5 hours a couple months ago to almost 7 on average. My job is going well and I’m working hard to continue to develop an amazing career for myself. My relationship with my daughter and family has increased to another level that I didn’t know existed in a good way. Now, my relationship with my ex wife, is fine. I’m trying to move on and let her have her life, but it’s like I can’t shake it. I’ll see something and it will remind me of the good times we had or a funny thing she does. I ask myself, why can’t we fight to get back to that? We had it, why not again? But, it’s OVER. I have to deal with that.
Overall, I’m proud of my changes and where I am in life with the cards I’ve been dealt. But, I want more. Maybe that’s my issue as I sit here. I want more. I want a happy family life. I can make all these changes but without that piece I’ll never feel complete. So, that’s why I’ll get up tomorrow and do what I do. I’ll do that because I know it will happen for me as long as I follow God.
Today I was at the Cubs game and my daughter and me were watching the game together. She’s 4 and was asking questions about what was going on. She was laying back on my lap and looked up at me. She says, I love you daddy!!! It was the perfect moment. I’ve heard of people being brought tears because of that in the past but never fully understood it.
Tears covered my eyes and all I could do was smile uncontrollably. Immediately the gratitude and the hard work of the past 7 months came to mind. I’m deeply grateful for having the ability to have this relationship with my daughter. I thank my ex wife for never taking her away from me even when things were rocky between us. I also realized these small moments make all that I’ve done and been through worth it. It truly was the most peaceful moment I’ve ever had.
I look forward to continuing to do what I do now. Take each day at a time and control what I can control. If I’m grateful to experience one of these moments again in the future then great but I’m truly content having that one moment permanently embedded in my memory.
So I’ve learned today I don’t know how to relax. Between getting up at 5 everyday to either workout or start work and juggling life, I never had much time to myself. Thinking back to the past month with my new changes in life I bet in average I have 4 hours of time to myself every week.
Today being the day before a holiday I decided to take the afternoon off. I was all excited to just relax and binge watch Hulu. But, I’m sitting here trying to learn to relax. I’m thinking about all the things in life going on. I’m constantly having to take a deep breath to calm down. I know this is not a huge problem but believe it’s a part of the changes I need to make in my life. Part of the problem in my marriage was I was over stressed trying to take on too much on my own. I refused help and didn’t realize how the stress lead to changing who I was.
The point is, it’s great to make changes. It’s great to loose weight. It’s great to stay sober and find God. It’s great to have goals to help others and be successful in my career, but all of this will come to a head if I don’t learn to balance my life.
I will make this part of my life moving forward. I need to structure at least 2 hours of interrupted time a week. This can include reading a book, praying and relaxing, or anything I find relaxing at the time. I think this will go along way in keeping me on track with everything else I’m doing.
As I look through the pictures of everyone having fun with their families during the holiday weekend, I’m mostly happy. I, too got to spend quality time with my family and daughter. To be honest, it was the perfect weekend. I can’t remember being that happy in a long time. It was everything I wanted. But, of course, there is still something missing in my heart. My soon to be ex wife was not there.
The other part missing is the anticipation of knowing I won’t be with them on July 4th for the first time in 11 years. It’s weird, that is what I’ve done for so long. I can’t remember a time before that. I hope they have the best time and my ex wife enjoys our daughter as much as I did the past couple days. She deserves that happiness I felt too. As I see photos of her the past couple days the anger of the past is drifting away but being filled with complete sadness. I’m fending off regret of all that I’ve done to bring us here because I know that’s not a healthy place for me to be. It is what it is. At this point, I’m focused on true happiness for myself, my daughter and my ex wife. That’s all that matters. If all these boxes are checked then maybe I’m seeing the light at the end of the tunnel that is forming.
I guess I needed to write down what I’m feeling today as I’m overfilled with emotion right now and don’t want it to be confused. I want to start to organize these feelings so to be understand them. I’m looking to stay humble and grateful for all that I have. I’m truly grateful and lucky to have had the past two days. The next two will keep me humble of what I need to do to stay sober and create my life of happiness. Happy 4th of July to everyone and remember life is precious, wasting it angry is just that. I’m gonna do my best to take it all in.
I’m just over 7 months sober at this point and been separated 7 months as well. A lot has happened in that timeframe. So, thinking about what I want to accomplish in the next 3-6 months I feel can help my mind in the right place.
- Stay sober the rest of my life
- Continue my lifting program. I would like to loose another 5 pounds of fat and gain another 15 in muscle.
- Have the divorce proceedings over with.
- Continue to develop client relationships and set myself up for a successful career in 2018 and beyond.
- Develop a true friendship with my ex-wife so we can set a great example for our daughter.
- Continue to build a higher relationship with God and trust in his plan.