I think I’ve come across my next calling. My purpose. I feel like the past 2 months I’ve been searching for a purpose, a reason I found AA and what I can do with my new found outlook on life. I believe my calling is to help the homeless. I believe this can be a way for me to spread hope and help others in need. I’m very excited to get started.
It use to ruin my day. It use to control me. I no longer am a prisoner to its power. I give my issues and non-issues to God. In God I’ve found the strength to push on and live my life. I find keeping my routine the same helps protect me from my anxiety and fears. Anyone out there struggling just remember it’s all in your head. Take one thing at a time. Write down your fears. Pray to God and give them to God. He has a plan for us all and we need to trust it.
It’s been a long time since I’ve done a post. Life gets busy. I had a lot happen, some good some bad some great. What I’ve noticed recently is I’ve lost focus on my number priority that being sobriety. Now, I haven’t had a drink or been close to it, but my alcoholic mind is fighting back. It’s become more apparent that it will always be there and always be a struggle I will have to fight for the rest of my life.
I’m glad I’ve got people in my life that have recognized this and have talk to me about it.
I will continue this battle because that’s what it is. I was doing so well floating by that I thought that’s all I needed to do. I need to understand helping others, going to meetings and following God is my #1 goal. Without that, none of the other goals I have in life can happen or matter. I’m lucky I haven’t drank yet. I’m lucky I’ve been able to see what I’ve been doing wrong over the past month and have the ability to fix it with no reckage.
I place my life and my problems at the feet of Gods hands. I surrender my life to him. I will seek to help others when needed. I will keep doing the uncomfortable to keep me moving forward.
I haven’t done a post in a while. Today it’s about patience. I’m always so quick to get upset about things outside of my control. It’s especially when it ruins my time with my daughter but still can’t control it. I have to learn to accept it. Does it bother me that my feelings and time isn’t in people’s consideration when they do things absolutely but this is gonna happen a lot over the years. So instead of staying pissed I need to try to make the best of it. The more I make the best Skyla will see that and she can make her own judgements on how to live life for herself. Yes this is still a bitter post I get it but I need to learn to take my frustrations out in other avenues.
So I'm 8 months into my new life…
- Been Sober for 8 months
- Been separated for 8 months
- Working out hard to get stronger
- Working on my spiritual relationship with God
- Finding myself and who I am
- Challenging myself to develop my career at my current employer
How's it going?
Well I'm sober. I feel great and don't think much about it most of the time. I do have my temptations yes but I'm strong and mentally fit to handle.
My ex wife and I have had ups and downs over the past 8 months. It started off rocky but has developed into a friendship and true co partnership in raising our daughter. All the anger seems to be mostly gone and have accepted the current terms we have been dealt. We have both found someone else that seems to be more like us and make us happy separately.
I've documented that I've lost 50 lbs. In the past month or so I've gained 10 pounds. But, it's good. It's muscle. I've increased my strength to areas I didn't know was possible. I'm not there but very motivated to keep it going.
I attend church and talk to God on a more regular basis. I feel it's like night and day in my relationship with God. I believe in him and want to follow his lead.
I don't know fully who I am, but everyday I'm finding things I like I never knew because I choose to not live life before. I can honestly say I'm excited about continuing to learn more.
My career is light years ahead of what I thought it would be right now. I'm still pushing to setup my success but I can see the light of what's about to come.
Overall, I'm happy. I'm truly happy. I enjoy life. I live in the moment. I'm humble to know there's more challenges to come. I'm fit physically and mentally to prepare for these challenges. I'm so happy that I've stuck it out and continued my journey.
So… today is supposed to be a day of remembering and providing to my wife of 9 years. It's supposed to be when we go to Bonefish Grill for a drink and a great dinner. This is the past. I've dreaded this day for over a month. But, I went to an excellent AA meeting last night where we talked about being open minded to what God has in store for you. Is it possible this is the path God had for the both of us?
I don't think it's crazy to look at what has happened because of us separating. The facts are I'm in better physical shape, sober, greater spiritual relationship with God, career is taking off, and learning more about myself everyday. I'm making plans for the future for me. I'm truly happy with my relationships with God, family, daughter and even my ex wife.
I think about where my wife is now from what I see on the outside. More confident a person, healthier, handles some medical issues on her own, going back to school, more independent, and overall seems happy. She seems more at peace with her decisions and what she has in store for the future.
Based on these facts, I think I have no choice but to be happy. We are two great people that have found their was an expiration date on the thought of us. We now flourish out of it as two separate people. This will allow us to be the positive influence in our daughters lives. This will make us happy for years to come with our own inner self. I think we held each other back. Or another way to say it, we were each other's crutch. Too afraid to release from it as the unknown is scary.
But, looking at the early results, we have both choose the right path and will continue to stay humble and focused on the day to day that has led us here.
One of my goals has been spiritual progress. To be honest, it has been put on the back burner recently. I won’t make excuses because I know I could’ve worked it out where it would have been a priority. Between this, and being stuck on step 10 in AA for a while makes me think. Why? Why haven’t I progressed as much in these two areas as I have in almost every category that I strive to be better? Am I scared? What am I afraid of? Is it as simple as it being difficult to take on all the different goals I have set forth? Or is that taking the easy way out?
What I know, is for all these goals I’m working to be successful then this has to be #1. I think I lost sight of that. I know I believe in God. I want to have a deep connection with him as I have felt various times throughout the past months. Without God and AA I would probably be dead. It’s really true. The path I was headed. The mindset I had when I was gonna buy my last 12er of beer before I said no was descructive and up to no good. I know it to be true. It scares me to think of the place I was only 7 months ago. I only cared about myself.
I’m writing this today in hope if someone feels they are good on their own to deal with addiction they are wrong. We all need our support for whatever it is. God, sponsor, or your peer group. Remember this and live it before it’s too late. Thankfully it’s not too late for me. I reminded myself tonight with prayer and reading. I have and I am where I am today because of my trust in God. I owe it to my fellow AA members to be there for them as they have been for me.
I’m done analyzing the past two weeks. No hard feelings just motivation to change the future and steer back on the right track.