Acceptance

I can accept a lot of things in life. I can accept losing a sale. I can accept being an alcoholic and everything that goes with it. I can accept someone treating me like shit and letting it go. But, when it comes to my daughter and any pain that comes to her I just seem to not be able to accept it. Don’t get me wrong it’s nothing serious just your normal sick/emotional pain a 4 year old goes through in a divorce household. But, it’s that I don’t have any control. I don’t have the ability to change it. I’m not able to change up what I feel is best. All I can do is be the best father when I’m with her and that doesn’t seem to be enough. There’s nothing more painful then that. I just her happy and healthy. I need to accept these things. Ugh!! Please God help me!!!!

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Calling

I think I’ve come across my next calling. My purpose. I feel like the past 2 months I’ve been searching for a purpose, a reason I found AA and what I can do with my new found outlook on life. I believe my calling is to help the homeless. I believe this can be a way for me to spread hope and help others in need. I’m very excited to get started.

Anxiety

It use to ruin my day. It use to control me. I no longer am a prisoner to its power. I give my issues and non-issues to God. In God I’ve found the strength to push on and live my life. I find keeping my routine the same helps protect me from my anxiety and fears. Anyone out there struggling just remember it’s all in your head. Take one thing at a time. Write down your fears. Pray to God and give them to God. He has a plan for us all and we need to trust it.

Awakening

It’s been a long time since I’ve done a post. Life gets busy. I had a lot happen, some good some bad some great. What I’ve noticed recently is I’ve lost focus on my number priority that being sobriety. Now, I haven’t had a drink or been close to it, but my alcoholic mind is fighting back. It’s become more apparent that it will always be there and always be a struggle I will have to fight for the rest of my life.

I’m glad I’ve got people in my life that have recognized this and have talk to me about it.

I will continue this battle because that’s what it is. I was doing so well floating by that I thought that’s all I needed to do. I need to understand helping others, going to meetings and following God is my #1 goal. Without that, none of the other goals I have in life can happen or matter. I’m lucky I haven’t drank yet. I’m lucky I’ve been able to see what I’ve been doing wrong over the past month and have the ability to fix it with no reckage.

I place my life and my problems at the feet of Gods hands. I surrender my life to him. I will seek to help others when needed. I will keep doing the uncomfortable to keep me moving forward.

Patience

I haven’t done a post in a while. Today it’s about patience. I’m always so quick to get upset about things outside of my control. It’s especially when it ruins my time with my daughter but still can’t control it. I have to learn to accept it. Does it bother me that my feelings and time isn’t in people’s consideration when they do things absolutely but this is gonna happen a lot over the years. So instead of staying pissed I need to try to make the best of it. The more I make the best Skyla will see that and she can make her own judgements on how to live life for herself. Yes this is still a bitter post I get it but I need to learn to take my frustrations out in other avenues.

8 months

So I'm 8 months into my new life…

  1. Been Sober for 8 months
  2. Been separated for 8 months
  3. Working out hard to get stronger
  4. Working on my spiritual relationship with God
  5. Finding myself and who I am
  6. Challenging myself to develop my career at my current employer

How's it going?

Well I'm sober. I feel great and don't think much about it most of the time. I do have my temptations yes but I'm strong and mentally fit to handle.

My ex wife and I have had ups and downs over the past 8 months. It started off rocky but has developed into a friendship and true co partnership in raising our daughter. All the anger seems to be mostly gone and have accepted the current terms we have been dealt. We have both found someone else that seems to be more like us and make us happy separately.

I've documented that I've lost 50 lbs. In the past month or so I've gained 10 pounds. But, it's good. It's muscle. I've increased my strength to areas I didn't know was possible. I'm not there but very motivated to keep it going.

I attend church and talk to God on a more regular basis. I feel it's like night and day in my relationship with God. I believe in him and want to follow his lead.

I don't know fully who I am, but everyday I'm finding things I like I never knew because I choose to not live life before. I can honestly say I'm excited about continuing to learn more.

My career is light years ahead of what I thought it would be right now. I'm still pushing to setup my success but I can see the light of what's about to come.

Overall, I'm happy. I'm truly happy. I enjoy life. I live in the moment. I'm humble to know there's more challenges to come. I'm fit physically and mentally to prepare for these challenges. I'm so happy that I've stuck it out and continued my journey.

The Dreaded Day

So… today is supposed to be a day of remembering and providing to my wife of 9 years. It's supposed to be when we go to Bonefish Grill for a drink and a great dinner. This is the past. I've dreaded this day for over a month. But, I went to an excellent AA meeting last night where we talked about being open minded to what God has in store for you. Is it possible this is the path God had for the both of us?

I don't think it's crazy to look at what has happened because of us separating. The facts are I'm in better physical shape, sober, greater spiritual relationship with God, career is taking off, and learning more about myself everyday. I'm making plans for the future for me. I'm truly happy with my relationships with God, family, daughter and even my ex wife.

I think about where my wife is now from what I see on the outside. More confident a person, healthier, handles some medical issues on her own, going back to school, more independent, and overall seems happy. She seems more at peace with her decisions and what she has in store for the future.

Based on these facts, I think I have no choice but to be happy. We are two great people that have found their was an expiration date on the thought of us. We now flourish out of it as two separate people. This will allow us to be the positive influence in our daughters lives. This will make us happy for years to come with our own inner self. I think we held each other back. Or another way to say it, we were each other's crutch. Too afraid to release from it as the unknown is scary.

But, looking at the early results, we have both choose the right path and will continue to stay humble and focused on the day to day that has led us here.